Best of the Worst: gamrReview’s Best Barbs & Terrible Taglines - Article

By Xavier Griffiths, July 15, 2014
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Reviewing videogames may seem like a fun job or hobby. Most of the time it is, especially when you come across a game you really like and get to go into detail about why others should check it out. But there is a downside to the practice - there are a lot of bad games out there. Sometimes you know what to expect going in, but other times you will be blindsided by just how bad a game truly is after sinking several hours into it and dreading the time remaining until the end credits. 

Of course if you feel a bad game has stolen precious hours of your life you can repay it with a low score you think it deserves. Sometimes that’s not enough. I recently reviewed a game called Z-Run. I consider it one of the worst games I have ever played. My review was scathing and at some points mocking in tone. Some commentators called my words harsh. I call it therapy. The best part of reviewing a bad game is the potential to bring out your inner comedian. It’s easier to write a funny review if a game is bad than good.

Here at gamrReview we have reviewed over 1,275 games. There are a lot of bad eggs in there. We sifted through our archives to present our favorite putdowns for our least favorite games:

Aabs Animals

“Obviously Aabs Animals is not a game in the traditional sense so I struggled over whether or not to assign it a score. In the end I did so because I was not able to find any reviews anywhere else and because the publisher charges 5 FREAKING DOLLARS for this abomination that should not have been released in the first place. I was not sure whether to file this piece as a review or a police report because I feel like I have been robbed!” –Xavier Griffiths

Just SING!: National Anthems

“I was very tempted to fill this review with better uses of your $2. A list which would have included a bag of your least favourite potato chips, 40 of those five cent lollypops, or a one dollar lighter to burn the other dollar. Not only would you feel better about your purchase, but you would probably get more entertainment out of it as well.” –Alex St. Amour

Men in Black: Alien Crisis

“I hated almost everything about Men in Black: Alien Crisis. I hated that I had to play it. I hated that I had to write a review about it. I even hated that I had to delete a game I somewhat enjoy from my PS3 hard drive in order to make room for its install data. At certain points I wanted to die while playing. Not in the game mind you, but in real life.” –Xavier Griffiths

America’s Next Top Model

“'Oh dear' I hear you say, 'someone really drew the short straw with this one. I wonder what he did to deserve this'. But wait! I actually wanted to review America’s Next Top Model (ANTM). You won’t find a bigger ANTM fan on the review staff than me, although that’s probably not saying much.” –Craig Snow


Dead or Alive Paradise

“Any gamer looking for this kind of stimulation can do much better with less effort. None of the activities are worth playing and the game fails to accommodate the player’s most primal desire to peep. Not to mention it is extremely embarrassing to play in public. If you ever find yourself on New Zack Island, it means it is time to fire your travel agent.” –Xavier Griffiths

Kinect Star Wars

“Since the inception of Star Wars, fans have pined for the chance to feel like they're wielding a lightsaber in real combat, using their skills with the powerful blade to cut down waves of enemies and duel powerful foes. Finally, after 35 years... we get to keep waiting. Kinect Star Wars will not give you the power of a Jedi Master, or even the lowly Padawan you play throughout the main campaign. Instead, you're left with a frustrating campaign topped with the garnish of a competent dance sim and a fun pod racer.” –Nick Pantazis

Ratchet and Clank: Into the Nexus

“I'm not exaggerating when I say I experienced more bugs and game breaking glitches in the 12 hours I played Ratchet & Clank: Into the Nexus than I did in all 500 hours I spent in Skyrim… the PS3 version of Skyrim.” –Gordon Bryant

Naughty Bear

“There we go, I’ve got everything good about this game out of the way, so I can proceed to bash it to oblivion. I, myself, am an Englishman, and I put “English” in inverted commas with good reason: either the narrator is an American trying to put on an English accent, and failing miserably because he assumes that there is no intonation in an Englishman’s voice, or an English person who is so completely depressed that… well, that he’d volunteer to narrate Naughty Bear. Either way, he reads his lines (which describe Naughty Bear’s various violent actions) with a pained and clearly fake enthusiasm reminiscent of that in Kaz Hirai’s “Riiiiiiiiiiiiidge Racer!” at E3 2006. This isn’t Stephen Fry from LittleBigPlanet. Hell, it’s not even Pegbeast from PSP Mini Kahoots. It's perhaps the worst narration I’ve ever heard in a game.” –Arthur Kabrick



Terrible Taglines

Writing a good review tagline is an art. The perfect tagline is short, snappy, and communicates your general feelings about the game. If the tagline is also funny then it feels like striking gold. Here are our favorites:

Angry Birds Trilogy

“Still slightly better than the Star Wars prequel trilogy.” –Alex St. Amour

Captain America: Super Soldier

“More like Captain A-meh-rica.” –Daniel Share-Strom

White Knight Chronicles II

“Where is my Dark Cloud 3?” –Nick Pantazis

Arc Rise Fantasia

“I'm not sure what it'll take to get Niko's voice out of my brain, but I'm certain it'll take years of therapy.” –Karl Koebke

NASCAR 2011: The Game

“No left turn jokes, please.” –Craig Snow

Fuse

“The Insomniac has finally fallen asleep.” –Matt Ashbaugh

Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z

“Stupid: Stupid Stupid Zzzzzzzz.” –Joseph Trotter

Tournament of Legends

“At least the box art is kind of cool.” –Alex St. Amour

Lego Harry Potter: Years 1-4

“Harry Potter and the Inevitable Crossover.” –Xavier Griffiths

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