As that guy once said in that film I've all seen but inexplicably can't remember; 'look, kid, I make the rules.' Any good (or efficient) dictator knows that the key to being able to do exactly what you want is to give the impression that there has been some sort of outside input when there has been nothing of the sort, and that the decision to behead ALL of your Amazonian guard was because you were bored waiting for the football, and wasn't just a whim. If I was a trainee dictator, I would have felt the need to plead your forgiveness for the lateness of this article and blame it on my clustered final exams. The truth is I just wanted to see you suffer, crying up to the heavens for having to wait a day for links dressed as nonsense. I'm not a trainee dictator; I'm a despot, baby.
In the News
Treyarch and Activision were up to their old tricks again, cluster-bombing vague PR ('Tacitus') across the interwebs for internet hacks to assemble, join the pieces and realise it was a complete waste of time. Bethesda, meanwhile, have confirmed that Skyrim DLC will be announced next week (this week now, I presume). The Wii U has been noted to have some neat new features, including day one digital downloads and a 'mysterious object connecting the controller to the console.' C'mon guys, it's clearly just a charger pack. EA Sports are in trouble after their UEFA 2012 DLC, a prime piece at 1800 microsoft points, only comes with half of the national teams. Great. It wasn't much better for Nintendo, however, who posted a $530 million shortfall, their first ever net loss.
It's been a relatively quite week for reviews (I'm still slogging through Witcher 2, so I'm now both tired and permanently sarcastic), but Commander-in-Chief Koebke managed to wet his JRPG chops with the intriguing Atelier Meruru, awarding it a very respectable 8.0. Somewhat less respectable was the inevitable horror show of Kinect Star Wars, which Pantazis panned with a 5.0. There is still hope in the world; Fable Heroes, a flash-in-the-pan idea during a Lionhead annual holiday, worked it's charm to a decent, if slightly underwhelming, 7.1.
It's been a very busy week for gamrReview artist and propagandist Matt Ashbaugh, who has been frankly hemorrhaging opinion at a frightening rate. Not only has been dishing out what games he wants in the next Kirby collection, but he managed to reel in the views with a provocative title (c'mon, we can be honest here; it's why you clicked, right?) before turning the article on its head and discussing character rosters in Playstation All-Stars. I, meanwhile, saw the 'Tacitus' Black Ops 2 reveal and absolutely insisted it had something to do with the Roman historian Tacitus; wishful thinking, but I enjoyed the exercise. C-o-C Koebke has been equally busy, reminding us all of a little place out East (or West) that still makes some bloody good video games.
Fact of the Week
The ancient Greeks were famously sexualised, with their famed omni-sexual symposiums a dibaucheric triumph. They also enjoyed their statues. These two facts can come together in a somewhat grim manner. The young madame below is the Aphrodite of Knidos, by Praxiteles in the 4th cBC, a famous work of erotic ingenuity. However, it was known to get many viewers a little too hot under the column; sources in antiquity testify to ingrained semen stains on her back. Rumours of a modern swab test have been unconfirmed. Just be glad you now have the internet.
Video of the Week
Here at gamrReview, we like to play by the old rules of 'you rub my back, I won't put a sword through yours.' Effectively, every so often we get a hint of magnamity and decide to help one of our own. Signal, aka Xavier Griffiths, needs your help (and views) to win a movie competition at his university. Thankfully, his film 'Sound-Bite' is actually pretty good, so it's not going to be five minutes wasted. You can find it here. Remember, Emperor Snow watches you sleep, and would be very unhappy if you did not click. Just saying.
That's us folks! I will wrap it up with a new weekly feature. If you buy one new game out this week make it . . . . Awesomenauts. With their publishing going bankrupt the weekend before release, Ronimo Games need a bit of luck. Thankfully, they don't need it; Awesomenauts is terrific, and we shall be reviewing it very soon. Tarah!